Today as I sat in the freeeeeeezing cold room, waiting for the doctor, the same room I found out my baby’s heart stopped beating at 13.5 weeks I wondered, has it really been only three weeks? It feels like it has been a year.
Most days are great and I barely think about what happened. Other days, when I see a pregnant woman (they are seriously EVERYWHERE), or when I think, oh hey I would have been 17 weeks today, it’s as if the wound in my heart has opened up and I have to work hard to close it again. And when I hear a pregnant woman complain about being pregnant (and really, WE ALL DO IT, even myself!) I become angry. I just want to shout at that them, “BE GRATEFUL!!!!” and it’s completely ridiculous. Some women have unbelievably uncomfortable and painful pregnancies and who am I to judge them for wanting to vent a little? Shame on me. But I still can’t help it. It’s like word vomit in my brain. I just can’t stop the internal screaming.
Having this been the third loss in a row I have so many “what if’s” floating around in my mind. What if I can’t have another baby? What if I keep miscarrying? What if we never have that baby boy? What if. What if. What if. It’s not a fun game to play. But…I have no control over these things and although it’s maddening at times, it can also be strangely reassuring. I leave it in His hands and while I can be tested or treated and comforted and supported, everything is ultimately up to Him.
Speaking of support (and I hope she doesn’t mind) I just wanted to share one of the best messages I received after I posted what happened on Facebook. From Marisa…
I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you (hate how cliche that sounds, but it's true). It always breaks my heart to see wonderful mothers (women like you whom I look up to) lose the one thing they obviously value the most. The world needs more mothers like you. Love you!
I’ve read that so many times. It was so unique to what other people had been saying (and those were all wonderful things as well) but it hit home because my children are really and truly what I value most in this world. My family is the number one most important thing and without them I’m nothing. Being a mother was what I wanted most growing up and how blessed I was(am) with two girls straight out of the gate. My life revolves around them and I know I will never stop learning how to be better for them.
Back to today. After visiting the OB and then waiting in the lab for some blood tests I see a girl (whom I had just seen at the OB) walk in looking distraught. She said a few things to the receptionist that lead me to believe with almost 100% surety that she was in the process of a miscarriage. She sat across from me with her head low trying but not succeeding in keeping her emotions in check. And I stared at her, wishing there was something I could do. But it was none of my business. I wanted to hug her and tell her, “It’s AWFUL. I know...I know. I’m so, so sorry.” I felt so helpless. So I just continued to stare at her, probably freaking her out I’m sure, but I hoped in some way she could feel my support, that I knew what she was going through, that it would get better.
Even though I know I’ll continue to have moments where it all comes back, I know every day is a step forward. And I have no choice but to move on.