Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Not all roses and rainbows

I’ve been having this internal debate.  Do I write this post?  I could write it but not publish it publicly.  I’d like to have my thoughts and feelings down on “paper” for the future and I’m no good at keeping a journal. But is it too personal?

In the end I (obviously) decided to publish it.  For all to see.  I know this is a public blog and I’ve never been one to be embarrassed about things that are completely out of my control.  I’ll talk about it.  It may be hard.  I might become emotional but it feels good to let it out.  It’s therapeutic.  Much like this blog post.  So here goes.

MLK day I had a regular, every four week Dr. appointment with my OB (well, the nurse practitioner really.)  To be honest, I was terrified.  I had been terrified two weeks prior when I went in for my 12 week ultrasound to size and date the pregnancy.  But all was well.  I was so…SO happy and extremely relieved.

Why was I so terrified?  Because I have been pregnant now five times and have two kids.  I miscarried December (‘09), again in June 2010 and here I was due in July, giving myself pep talks just about every.single.day.  I was so miserable because I was sick yet so happy that I was so sick because it meant I was…well…PREGNANT. 

So, back to my appointment.  She pulls out the doppler and begins searching for a heartbeat and can’t find it.  My heart plummeted.  I knew it.  I just knew it. 

I was instructed to go to radiology where they would perform an ultrasound immediately.  But I already knew.  I walked through that hallway in a thick fog.  I didn’t want them to do it. I didn’t want to know. 

The tech spent ten agonizing, SILENT minutes searching for a heartbeat.  I had to remind myself to breathe. 

I finally made it back to the nurse where she told me the news. Up until that point I had not cried because I was still holding onto a tiny shred of hope.  “There is no heartbeat.  Baby stopped growing last week.”

And then the overwhelming feeling of emptiness washed over me.  My husband and girls who were waiting at home, anticipating a trip to the beach, had to alter their plans.  He came to me and held me.  He has been amazing.  I have no idea what I would do without him. 

I was then scheduled for a D&C for the next morning.   I’ll let the curious ones google that procedure on their own.

It has all been very upsetting, to say the least.  But I find myself being so GRATEFUL.  Grateful for my two healthy, adorable, smart, sassy, beautiful, intelligent little girls who can make me laugh, cry or scream all within a few minutes.  Grateful for my husband who has treated me like a queen.  Grateful for my wonderful mother and mother in-law who will drop anything to do anything for us.  Grateful for my friend who immediately called me when finding out and told me she was bringing dinner the next day.  Grateful for health insurance.  Grateful for warm, sunny days to make it all seem much less depressing.  Grateful that my nurses during my procedure had the same names as my sisters so I could think of them and know they were thinking of me.  Grateful for phone calls, for messages, for emails and texts.  Grateful for beautiful flowers from some of my wonderful friends-half of whom I have never met in person (long story.) Grateful for prayers and thoughts.  Grateful for the Gospel.

So really, even though I know I will be sad, and it might take me awhile to recover emotionally, I know that I am blessed.  Beyond blessed.  So many people go through so much more with a much more positive outlook and I aspire to be like them. 

Thank you for all your thoughts, prayers and words of comfort.  It means so, SO much to me. 



Marisa said...

Love you Carly. :) Take care of yourself.

Ryan and Emily said...

I am so sorry for your loss! I had a miscarriage (and D/C) before Ethan and it was one of the hardest things I've gone through. I'm glad you are getting the love/support you need!! Your positive outlook is inspiring. Wish I could give you a big hug! Loves!

Chelsea said...

I'm sitting here in bed crying like a baby! I am so sorry for your loss! I can't imagine how hard it's been to endure all that you have had to go through. I'm thinking of you and praying for you and I hope your heart will become whole again soon! Please let me know if there is anything I can do!

hays said...

I'm so heartbroken and was up thinking about you guys last night. I know it's hard, but you have tons of support. I think it's totally appropriate to write it all down and let us in. Thank you. Be well, take time to heal. We love you guys!

debora said...

And I am so grateful for you, my beautiful, strong, faithful daughter.
You inspire me.

KickButtMommy said...

I know it is so hard...words can't even describe. But I can honestly say time heals. Loves.

d said...

Carly what a tough situation, I am so sorry for you and casey. I am so amazed at your courage and strength and know that it gets less painful as each long day passes. Squeeze your girls tighter and know that we are thinking of you. -dayna

Vanessa said...

I'm SO SO sorry!!! What a perfect perspective you have though, being so grateful, that is how I've gotten through the hard times too. Hugs to you! My thoughts and prayers are with you and Casey. I'm sorry!

Kate said...

Girl, I'm so sorry. :( Squeeze those 2 sassy girls that you have and maybe go get a shake from Sonic. That's what I would probably do.


Amber + Jonathan said...

Car! I just now read this! It's about 12:15 a.m. so I'm going to call you tomorrow. I love you and your positive take on all of this.

Melissa said...

Tears running down my cheeks right now. You are amazing. I admire your strength and perspective. Thank you so much for sharing this post with us. Lots of love to you and your family.

Nicole said...

Oh Carly, I am so sorry. You truly inspire me for how positive you are. Thank you for sharing this, I know its hard to share your most personal moments but your burden seems lighter when shared with others (at least that's how I feel). My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Melinda said...

You are an amazing person. I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Leslie said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog C, not weird at all! I'm so sorry for your loss :( Broke my heart reading about having to tell your girls. That is one thing I was spared, kind of. We were going to tell everyone the day we found out so while the kids didn't have to grieve as much because they didn't know till then, I also didn't have anyone to enjoy the time I was pregnant.
Fingers crossed you can get a sticky one, the TTC journey is a hard one! Hugs!!


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