Saturday, January 22, 2011

Loving

                        aged photo (1 of 1)Munchkinaged (1 of 1)

My “babies.” 1-21-11.

When I first found out about my lost pregnancy, my initial thoughts were, “How am I going to tell my little four year-old? What am I going to say? How will she react?”

More than anything about that experience, those thoughts cut into my heart the deepest.  I was so scared to tell her.  So after a moment where she came to me and rubbed my tummy and gave me a smile, I knew I had to break the news.  I gave her a sound explanation, about how sometimes babies get sick and are sent back to Heavenly Father, about how hopefully the baby will come back and grow big in my tummy, about how everything will be OK but there is no baby in mommy’s stomach anymore.

And then she burst into tears.  It was all I could do to not run out of the room and give up altogether but I held my ground and kept my composure.  I quickly rattled off the same explanation and told her Heavenly Father would take special care of that baby.  She stopped crying, gave me a little laugh and said, “Ok.”  Five minutes later she bounded off to play, completely recovered.  The resiliency of children almost astounds me and I admit I’m a little envious.

I am not the first to experience the heartache of loss and unfortunately I will not be the last.  I find myself feeling silly for wanting to be upset about the whole mess when I think of others I have learned about; the many, many children they have lost, some who have no children at all, others losing babies so close to their due dates and the list goes on.  But then I remember that we are all different, and we all grieve in different ways and it’s perfectly acceptable for me to feel a sense of loneliness and an odd sensation of isolation.  But each day gets better.  Thankfully I have my little girls to distract me, to remind me of the wonderful life I am living with my sweet little family.

I’ve grown closer to friends, some new and some old, connected with others on a whole new level, a level we wish no one would have to reach ever again, yet at the same time are grateful for the others who have reached it before us. 

I can’t even express the gratitude that is mine when friends go out of their way to let us know how much they care. Last night, as I walked up to the doorstep of my home after a great night with friends and loving the feeling of normalcy, I almost stepped on a package.  I brought it into the house and opened it up where I found a delicious box of brownies from some good friends and the note read, “Chocolate makes everything better!”

Oh how true that is!

Life is good!

6 comments:

hays said...

Just hoping it would help a little to know that we were thinking of you. We sure love you guys!

KickButtMommy said...

Beautiful pictures of your girls! Seriously...teach me how to do that. So glad that you are loved and you are healing.

Kelsi {John, Jake, Georgia, Naomi} said...

love the pictures. love the girls. love that you came. it was fun.

Carolyn said...

Carly, my heart just aches for you. It takes me back to my own miscarriage, and d&c at 14 weeks, just like yours. I had the same conflict, and people would even say to me "well what's so hard, you already have 2 kids!". And yes, it's true, and I was so grateful. But a loss is a loss, and oh it was hard. So so hard. I tried to hold it in, until I finally just had break down after break down. So, if you need to grieve it, do it. There is nothing wrong with that at all! Let yourself cry and feel sad. It is comforting to know (and I truly believe this) that I will raise that baby in the next life, and it will still be a part of my family. But when you lose a baby it alters you and your life in a way that takes time to recover from. Hugs Carly!! If you ever want to talk about it, let me know! I'm here to listen :)

Jen.Steve.Joe said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and hope you are feeling well. You are such an amazing writer. Side note story-Last time I was visiting Valencia I was out to dinner with a friend that still lives there and she asked if you had kids. I told her you married Casey and have 2 girls. She said, I thought I saw her, but wasn't sure if it was her, but her girls are absolutely gorgeous! Nice compliments are always fun to get!

TheKeilShpeel said...

You do have two grogeous girls. I have no idea what you are going through but can only imagine. My heart sunk when I heard the news. When you find out your pregnant there is an immediate bond, all that you sacrifice through being sick, pains, aches, just makes you love more that baby more(as one saves the more you serve the more you love) . . It's normal to feel sad. Take your time.. there is a lot of thoughts and prayers for you. . He will always be there for you. Love ya and on a fun note.. last night was fun. You were awesome.

LW

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